Catching up...

Quite a lot has happened since my last post, and I feel terrible for not contains my blog. There has been a lot going on in my house, so this has fallen by the wayside. B & I have gotten engaged (yay!), my son turned 4, L (B's son turned 5), work has been busy busy busy, I'm back in school (with a new major), and there has been plenty of divorce/custody/co-parenting drama.

So to my readers, if there are any, I hope that my second start to this blog will be more productive than the first (and will last longer!)...but for now, laundry is calling.

-M

I never imagined...

I never imagined at 23, I'd be waking up nearly divorced and be totally satisfied with my life. Or that I'd fall in love with someone that made everything else in every other relationship pale in comparison.

At 23, I never imagined myself being in a relationship with someone 25 years my senior. And let me tell you this, when I look at B, I don't even think about it. He isn't Mr. Romantic all the time, but he is so kind to me. He makes me laugh, he loves me madly, and the little things he does for me absolutely set my heart on fire for him.

I never felt this way with J (the ex), even in the early stages of our relationship. And now I'm filled with anger and disgust every time I look at him or hear his voice on the telephone. I look back, and wonder how I stayed. How I kept at it for as long as I did. If it hadn't been for The Little Man, I think I would have left a long time ago.

Freedom.

Waking up & realizing you no longer have to ensure infidelity, physical, emotional, verbal & financial abuse is amazing. Knowing my son will grow up in a home knowing how a woman should be treated makes me thrilled.

A New Beginning

The blog is the brain child of myself, and another 20something divorcee (Michelle) who happens to be a very great friend of mine. I happened to post the following staus on my Facebook, and thanks to her encouragement, this blog exists...

"I have finally reached the point in my life that I don't really care what you think of what I've done or am doing with my life. I am doing what is best not only for my son but myself as well. Whether you agree or not, support me or not, is up to you. Three years ago, I feared the "stigma" that came with getting divorced, I was afraid of becoming a statistic, just another failure. Today, I'm not afraid of that anymore. It doesn't define who I am. It doesn't make me less of a person. I feel that it makes me stronger, smarter, and happier. I don't see it as a failure, but a learning experience. It gave me some wonderful people in my life, gave me my handsome son, and led me to where I am today. As of today, I am no longer afraid of or worried about "starting over". I am no longer worried about how people will look at me, or what they think of me.

When I left, I was scared. For some reason, I woke up today and didn't feel that "baggage" anymore. I didn't feel worried about what people were saying about me, whether it be my family, his family, friends, whatever. I spent years thinking I should leave, and wondering how I could handle it. I thought I would never be able to "survive" and I "had" to stay. I never thought I would be getting divorced at 23, but certain things were beyond my control. By NO means am I saying I had no faults. I was scared because I thought getting divorced meant that something was wrong with me, that I was a failure. I thought that it deemed me damaged goods, and that no one else would want me. I woke up today and realized that as long as I love myself, there is nothing wrong with me. My son loves me, and I will never let him down. Bryan loves me, respects me, and never lets me down. No one is perfect. But more than anything, I am happy with who I am, who I am becoming. I know where I want to be, who I want to be, and how I feel. That's more important that feeling like I have to be someone's "wife" to be whole, that I have to stay in a toxic, unhealthy relationship so as not to be seen as failure and live up to someone else's vision of what I'm supposed to be."

Let me backtrack. I am fresh into my divorce. Since we are not California residents, we have to wait six months before we can even file officially. I was married at 19, and had never imagined being divorced. Maybe it's because my parents are divorced. I felt that if I ended up like them, it would mean I was a failure. And yet here I am, 23 and getting divorced. Sadly, I knew it was coming. I was the one who left. And I knew I needed to. I kept excusing behavior that was totally unacceptable. I stayed because his mother begged me, because I thought it would be best for our son, I thought things would change.

In the last three days, I have realized that people don't change because you change them. they change because they choose to. It comes from within. And sometimes, as much as you wish for the best in someone, they don't become what you hope or expect.

Because of my divorce, I have met a wonderful man. (From here out he will just be referenced as B.) B is fantastic. It just kind of fell into my lap, and I wasn't looking for, or expecting it! He has been where I am now. He understands why when my ex sends me hateful text messages why I get so upset. He understands why I react the way I do to things. And it makes me sad that sometimes he has to pay the price for someone else's mistakes.

So welcome to the beginning. Welcome to a fresh start.